Wanna Learn How to Talk Dirty? This Exclusive 7-Day Challenge Was Made for You
Like teaching yourself a TikTok dance or recreating nail art you saw on IG, dirty talk is something that seems pretty easy in concept…but can be suuuper awkward to actually execute. Even if you do feel 🤤 for your partner in the heat of the moment, it’s hard to know how to convey your ~sexy thoughts~ without sounding like you’re starring in a low-budget adult video that exactly no one would want to watch (*shudders*). But that’s where we come in!
First things first: Why is talking filthy so damn great? In addition to being v hot, dirty talk can help you feel more connected to your partner or to your own sexual desires—or both! Using it can also help improve your confidence in the bedroom, which is always a good thing. So! If you’re interested in learning how to spit smut like a GD pro, then this seven-day challenge is definitely for you. We won’t just train you in what to say either: This “challenge” is also about becoming more comfortable vocalizing your desires between the sheets and owning your sexuality, which will get both you and your lover turned right TF on.
Over the course of this seven-day challenge, you’ll learn:
This weeklong exercise is designed to help you boost your sexual confidence so that when it comes time to put your techniques into practice, you’re not left tongue-tied and unsure of what to say. For instance, you might want to even start off practicing on someone other than your partner (more on that later, promise). “Getting started can be the most daunting part of this whole process,” says Gigi Engle, ACS, sex expert at Feeld and author of All the F*cking Mistakes: A Guide to Sex, Love, and Life. “You want to jump into the dirty-talk pool, but you also want to test the temperature with one toe first.”
With each 🔥 tantalizing task 🔥, the hope is that you become a little bit more prepared to take the plunge and whisper some not-so-sweet nothings into your lover’s ear. And by the way, this shouldn’t feel like homework—it should be fun! “Dirty talk is a skill,” sex and pleasure educator Luna Matatas points out. “Give yourself a break from the pressure of trying to make it smooth or sound scripted. Your partner might giggle or not know what to say in response, and that’s okay. You can let go of performing and treat dirty talk as a curious auditory exploration of what gets you both aroused.”
Ready to become a silver-tongued seductress in le boudoir? Let’s get into it.
Day 1: Talk Dirty With Friends
To be clear, I’m not talking about tryna sweet-talk your besties into bed (unless you’re into that). I’m talking about having an explicit, vulnerable, X-rated convo with totally platonic friends about their own sexual experiences because nothing beats a totally frank sex talk with your pals. Having this kind of conversation can offer validation (especially if you realize you’re not alone in feeling a lil awkward) and help you become more comfortable expressing your own sexuality—even when you’re actually in the midst of a sexual encounter.
“Getting comfortable with dirty talk is a bit like getting more comfortable with anything else: You need to practice,” explains licensed independent clinical social worker Donna Oriowo, PhD, MEd, owner and lead therapist at AnnodRight. “For a lot of us, we don’t hear dirty talk often and we might feel self-conscious using it because it feels silly or takes us out of our comfort zone.” When you vibe about vulgarities in a (hopefully!) nonjudgmental environment, you can become more comfortable covering so-called taboo subjects and using words that probs aren’t part of your daily vernacular. (And don’t worry, we’ll get into vocabulary specifics in a sec.)
How to do it: Summon up the courage and get the ball rolling while you’re hanging with friends (and ideally hanging at home rather than out at a restaurant or bar where other people might overhear, lol). You can do this by asking for advice, sharing your own experiences, and not being afraid to beat around the bush. Go ahead—get explicit! Get graphic! Saying something like “What’s the most unexpected way you’ve ever made someone cum?” or “I’m not gonna lie, I love giving head” is sure to inspire some v interesting convos. As Oriowo says, even “just saying sexual words until they don’t make you cringe” is progress. And while a few adult beverages can help ~lubricate~ things, it’s probably best to get this convo going while sober, since liquid courage can never replace actual confidence.
Day 2: Read Erotica
While you should avoid the temptation to memorize any scenes verbatim (remember: talking naughty shouldn’t feel like a performance—it should feel natural), erotic literature can provide you with some useful inspo. Reading and hearing salacious language in context will give you a better idea of how to use it, and you may even pick up some phrases you’d be comfortable saying IRL.
“Sometimes you need some sexy ideas to get your creative mind in check,” Engle explains. “Being exposed to erotic materials can often be great for expanding our sexual dialogue. Porn can be a great catalyst for ideas, but it is also sometimes a bit raunchy for beginners.” According to Engle, that’s why erotica is the way to go. “It’s jam-packed with sexy material you can take with you to bed,” she adds.
How to do it: Explore what’s out there and see what turns you on! Several sites offer sexy erotic fiction and fantasy stories you can read for free, such as Literotica, Bellesa, FrolicMe, or BDSMCafe. Dipsea is another great resource, offering sexy audio stories that’ll def get you feeling some kind of way. (And it even has a free trial.) “Take notes! Doing some research, as it were, can help you dig deep into what you could be saying without feeling the pressure to come up with the entire narrative from scratch,” Oriowo says. “This is definitely a ‘work smarter, not harder’ moment!”
You may even be inspired to write your own! “Erotica is a great way to build your erotic vocabulary,” Matatas says. “Read different kinds of erotica and get inspired by the descriptions of scenery, mood, dynamics, and sex. Try writing your own erotica by writing out one of your fantasies and inviting your partner to share one of theirs.”
For more erotic fiction, here are some tantalizing titles Engle suggests adding to your TBR pile:
Day 3: Add Narration to Masturbation
Okay, this one maaay feel a little silly, but it can be majorly beneficial to use raunchy language out loud by yourself before trying it with a partner. Doing so can help you figure out what sort of erotic adjectives excite you, what titillating verbs turn you on, and what other salacious words and phrases make you feel good about your sexuality.
“Practice saying some of the things aloud on your own,” Oriowo suggests. “This can help to get you comfortable with the sound of your voice asking for something or making a sexual statement.” And what better way to get yourself in the mood for racy talk than by pleasuring yourself?
How to do it: There’s no wrong way to masturbate, and if you have a tried-and-true technique, go with that and wait until you really get into a good rhythm. Then try describing your arousal out loud to yourself (after making sure your roommates or ’rents aren’t home, ofc). You can start by simply describing what you’re doing (“I’m touching myself here and it feels so good”) and then move on to describing what you would want your partner to do if they were there with you (“Now I want you to put your mouth here”).
This is also a good chance to find your Dirty Talk Voice™. “Dirty talk can be about ‘what’ you say, but there is a huge impact of ‘how’ you say things,” Matatas says. “Play with volume (think whispers), explore tone (e.g., stern, adoring), and slow everything down—speak slowly and pause for emphasis.” Again, it may feel strange, but naughty bedroom talk is all about releasing inhibitions, so go for it.
Day 4: Send a Sext
Before trying out a spicy dialogue IRL, it can be useful to exchange some virtual vulgarities. Sending a sext can pique your partner’s interest and let you practice using dirty talk without having to, you know, actually utter those risqué words out loud just yet. “This way, you can gauge a partner’s reactions to your fantasies virtually rather than face-to-face,” Engle explains.
Sexting can also help you figure out what kind of words your partner responds to so you can then implement them in the bedroom. “You don’t have to be a mind reader—ask questions about what they are into and encourage descriptiveness,” Matatas suggests. “Get permission before sexting with something like, ‘Hey, I’m in the mood to write you some dirty things, is now a good time?’ Sext about what you’d like to do to each other next time you’re together or dig into your sexy memories of each other and bring them back alive through sexting.”
How to do it: According to Engle, the easiest way to get started with sexting is by describing a scene…a sexy scene, that is. “Remember that what you’re sexting about doesn’t need to reflect what you’re actually doing right now,” she says. “You can say you’re naked in bed when you’re actually reading a book in your pajamas. Your partner doesn’t know the difference.” Take creative license to describe what you’re wearing (or how little you’re wearing…), or describe what you are doing or want to do later. If your partner seems receptive, then Engle suggests testing the waters with one of these openers for sexting:
These Qs are guaranteed to get some juicy convos going, trust. If you’re not feeling particularly creative, then Oriowo suggests simply “sexting what you liked from your last sexual encounter or what you want from the next.” And FYI, there are tons of sexting apps out there that can help you keep those indecent texts under wraps if you’re nervous about someone intercepting your erotic exchange and posting it to the interwebs.
Day 5: Master One-Word Dirty Talk
Once you’ve given sexting a whirl, it’s time to take the naughty talk into the bedroom. But fear not—you don’t have to be reciting any sexual soliloquies just yet. Instead, try interjecting sexy stand-alone words into sex (like “harder,” “faster,” “yes,” “more”), which can help you dip your toe in if pulling together a full sentence feels too intimidating.
“Even though most people enjoy it, the words, sounds, and even names used can quickly enhance or ruin the mood,” sexologist, educator, and intimacy consultant Goody Howard says. “I think a safe place to start is with sort of ‘narrating’ your pleasure.”
How to do it: Wait until the moment feels right, then slip in a sexy action word (or even an affirmative sound, like a moan) and gauge your partner’s reaction. If they seem into it (you’ll be able to tell, trust), then keep it going! The more receptive they seem to your injections, the more confident and vocal you’ll likely find yourself becoming—and your partner may even join in as well.
And if you’re looking to intensify one-word sexy talk, combine it with touch or eye contact. “Dragging your hand along their thigh, squeezing their butt cheek, and gazing into their eyes can be ways of nonverbally communicating the feeling of your dirty talk,” Matatas says.
Day 6: Make a List of Actionable Demands
Got the hang of one-word dirty talk? Now it’s time to start working toward full sentences. While you def don’t want to sound rehearsed or like you’re simply reciting lines, you’ll want to at least have a few ideas in mind so you don’t stumble over your words. Most importantly, you’ll want to keep things simple, especially in the beginning. Otherwise, you might lose ’em with some complicated description about how you want to be strapped down and slathered in peanut butter (or w/e you’re into).
You can get things going by simply describing your arousal to your partner or by telling them what you want or what you’d like to do to them. “Dirty talk can be about illuminating a fantasy, but it can also take the form of narrating what’s happening or going to happen (e.g., ‘I’m ready to get on top of you—are you ready for me?’) or a specific compliment (e.g., ‘You look so delicious between my legs’) or be a vessel for dominance or submission (e.g., ‘I’m feeling so naughty tonight, maybe I’ll get punished’),” Matatas explains. And the best way to make sure you don’t lose your nerve or your train of thought when the time comes: Prepare a few ideas ahead of time.
How to do it: Oriowo suggests writing out a list of simple sentences starting with “I want…,” “Do…[action],” or “Kiss me…[location].” As she explains, “These simple sentences can help you to home in on what you want, what you would like someone to do, and where you want them to do it.” They’ll make you feel incredibly powerful and in control, and they’ll also save your partner from feeling obligated to come up with a verbal response, as they only require an action in return.
When coming up with demands, think carefully around word choice as well. “I encourage people to speak using sensual, descriptive language,” Howard says. “That doesn’t necessarily mean loving, soft stuff. It could be anything from ‘I miss the weight of your dick on my tongue!’ to ‘You’re so wet, I can hear it!’ Using words like ‘hard,’ ‘wet,’ ‘thick,’ ‘press,’ ‘squeeze,’ etc. will go a long way to make regular sexy talk a little dirtier. Words that you can FEEL between your legs…that fill your mouth and land in your partner’s lap! Words like ‘stretch,’ ‘fill,’ ‘grab,’ and ‘push’ have the energy you want.”
Day 7: Experiment With Role-Play
If getting out of your head proves to be too tricky, you can always give role-play a try. With role-play, you can take on the part of a character, which can help you feel more comfortable vocalizing your desires. Tap into your inner actor and see what happens. You may just be able to release something you never knew was inside of you.
“Role-playing lets you pivot into a character, which for some people might make it easier to embody their dirty talk,” Matatas explained. But costumes and props aren’t required if that’s not your thing—and no, you don’t have to have Meryl Streep–level acting skills either.
How to do it: Before you and your partner kick things off, it’s best to have a convo to talk over what you’re willing to do and what you’re not, especially when it comes to the language you’re planning to use. “You need to be clear about your preferences on what genitals will be called, yea or nay on profanity, and being called names like ‘slut’ or ‘good boy/girl,’” Howard says. “Use the sensual narration words with the names you’ve already agreed on. Getting those things clear will avoid drama later on.”
Then come up with your scenario and jump into the scene. “Keep it playful—even if your character is serious and domineering—start off slow, and build into more intense dirty talk as you feel more confident and aroused,” Matatas adds. “Think about what your characters might say, how they would say it, how they want to feel. Use questions to prompt engagement from your partner, e.g., ‘The doctor is in. Are you ready for your erotic exam?’”
Oh, hey, congrats, you’re a pro now!
We knew you could do it.
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