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Paul* told me he imagined I\u2019d be \u2018cheeky\u2019 at school and that it would be a laugh to see me dressed how I did for classes.<\/p>\n
So even though I thought it was an odd request at the time, I changed into my school uniform at his apartment \u2013 despite it being a weekend.<\/p>\n
I hadn\u2019t put two and two together to draw any kind of idea about who this person was and what this kind of behaviour implied about him.<\/p>\n
I was 14 at the time and I didn\u2019t realise that a man in his late 30s was grooming me. It\u2019d take years for me to reach that sickening conclusion.<\/p>\n
I first met Paul in a public park during the summer in the early 2000s. It happened by chance \u2013 or at least I thought it had \u2013 and we got chatting to one another.<\/p>\n
The whole thing had seemed friendly, even when the topic of sex came up. The fact that this was broached so casually so early on should\u2019ve been a huge red flag, but I didn\u2019t know any better.<\/p>\n
I ended up explaining that, because I wasn\u2019t out, I couldn\u2019t bring boyfriends my age home to fool around with. But Paul had a place not too far from where we were and said I could spend time with him there.<\/p>\n
The age gap hadn\u2019t even crossed my mind either, so we exchanged numbers. Thinking back, he wasn\u2019t a big texter and would generally call to coordinate meeting up.<\/p>\n
At the time, it\u2019s not something I dwelled on, but now it makes sense why. I imagine the number he\u2019d given me wasn\u2019t the same number he\u2019d be using in his everyday life.<\/p>\n
Another part of what I used to justify a lot of this was the fact I was an early developer. I was shaving before I turned 13 and already had hair on my chest. He knew my age but I was \u2018different\u2019 \u2013 or at least that\u2019s what I told myself \u2013 because I presented as older.\u00a0<\/p>\n
A few weeks after meeting, we went to a coffee shop. He bought me a hot chocolate covered in cream and marshmallows and told me I was \u2018special\u2019. Just thinking about this now makes me feel dirty and upset.<\/p>\n
I don\u2019t remember much of what we talked about, but I still recall where we sat \u2013 on two stools with our backs to the room and looking out of the window.<\/p>\n
After that, we went back to his flat and \u2013 after chatting for a bit \u2013 he led me to his room. We didn\u2019t have sex, but did everything else.<\/p>\n
I hadn\u2019t been \u2018special\u2019 or \u2018different\u2019 at all. It was him who had been different \u2013 in the worst possible way<\/p>\n
A few weeks later came that day when he asked me to get changed into my school uniform. That time, we had sex that he instigated. I even recall thinking the black wrapper condom we used looked fancy.\u00a0<\/p>\n
I met up with him a few more times, but it ended when my mum cottoned on to the fact I was out and not where I said I was. I\u2019d tripped up on my own lies and she was quite rightly becoming very vigilant about ensuring \u2013 for my safety \u2013 that she knew where I was and who I was with.<\/p>\n
This led to a phone call I took from her while at his place, which I think is what spooked him and led to him ceasing contact.<\/p>\n
At the time, I confided in some friends about it as it had happened, but they were more interested in the \u2018juicy details\u2019. That\u2019s because grooming isn\u2019t something we\u2019d been taught or knew much about when I was at school.<\/p>\n
While it was something that stayed with me over the years that followed, I treated it more as a punchline with friends or a curveball revealed in drinking games. Again, never really through a traumatic lens, but more of a \u2018you\u2019ll never guess what\u2019 sort of reveal.<\/p>\n
A few people had questioned it, telling me what he\u2019d done was wrong, but I brushed it off. They hadn\u2019t been there and didn\u2019t understand, I reassured myself.<\/p>\n
That is, until the late 2000s when Facebook was becoming popular. I\u2019d signed up for an account and \u2013 not long after \u2013 was served a list of \u2018People You May Know\u2019. It was presumably based on email or mobile number contacts, so he\u2019d been suggested.<\/p>\n
It was a blank profile with no information, but his \u2018name\u2019 was the same as his email prefix had been, so I knew it was him. Curious, I opened the profile.<\/p>\n
Despite no identifiable detail, he had a small friends list, I think of about 15 to 20 people. Every one of them was a boy who looked no older than I was at the time I\u2019d met him.<\/p>\n
Suddenly, I felt sick to my stomach. I remember having to call a friend. I cried. It was the first time I\u2019d felt or shed any kind of emotion about what had happened to me.<\/p>\n
I hadn\u2019t been \u2018special\u2019 or \u2018different\u2019 at all. It was him who had been different \u2013 in the worst possible way.<\/p>\n
I should have reported him and what he had done to me. I know that now and I knew it then. But my family had no idea about what had happened to me and I felt too afraid to tell them.<\/p>\n
This wasn\u2019t because I thought they would be angry, but because of how much I worried it would crush my mum. There was nothing she could have done to stop me going out, meeting and spending time with this man, but I know she wouldn\u2019t see it that way and the potential hurt it could cause her outweighed what I felt able to do at the time.\u00a0<\/p>\n
Platform is the home of Metro.co.uk’s first-person and opinion pieces, devoted to giving a platform to underheard and underrepresented voices in the media. <\/strong><\/p>\n Find some of our best reads of the week below:<\/p>\n An anonymous writer shares what rules she sets out for taking back her cheating husband.<\/p>\n Writer Grant Roberts details the first worrying warning sign he noticed before his father’s steady decline with dementia.<\/p>\n It took a trip abroad for columnist JJ Anisi\u00f8bi to realise how screwed Britain is.<\/p>\n When Rowan Atkins started peeing blood, she was terrified \u2013 but doctors didn’t take her pain seriously.<\/p>\n Since then, what happened has really haunted me and has become worse the older I get. With every birthday \u2013 I\u2019m now in my mid-30s \u2013 I\u2019m still not the age that this man was when he took advantage of and groomed me, which continues to put it into the horrible and real perspective that I couldn\u2019t see at the time.<\/p>\n To try to get some closure, I recently went to the coffee shop he first took me to. I sat in the spot we\u2019d sat in, took a deep breath and cried. While everything had felt consensual at the time, I now know and feel that he stole my youth away from me.<\/p>\n Those cinema trips and coffees in the park with people my own age should have remained the extent of my love life until I\u2019d felt ready to come out, introduce them to my parents and take a natural next step.<\/p>\n That\u2019s what being young is all about \u2013 yearning for something more and experiencing that when your mind and your body are ready. It\u2019s exactly why the age of consent exists.<\/p>\n I recently started talking therapy, where I hope I can continue to unpack what happened to me a bit more. But I have no idea where that man is or what happened to him, which also continues to haunt me.<\/p>\n I just hope that if this had been a pattern of behaviour for him \u2013 which I believe it probably was \u2013 that he got caught and stopped from causing pain to any other lives.<\/p>\n